I love giving advice. So does my friend Alex. 

We come from different generations and we’re at very different points in our lives and careers. But we share the same philosophy: every door can be unlocked. 

Every once in a while, we  partner up on a special installment of my advice column, Ask Ellen. It’s called… Ask Alex & Ellen. 

Two hits of advice in one column.

We hope you enjoy it!

Dear Alex & Ellen,

I recently applied for a job I really wanted. I got pretty far along in the interview process and it seemed like they liked me and wanted to hire me.

I was starting to get really excited. Then, after weeks of waiting, they emailed to tell me that I hadn’t been selected.

They were very professional and polite, of course, but I still feel so upset. I know I should just “get over it” and apply for something else, but I don’t feel like I can handle the disappointment all over again.

Any wise words of advice to help me get back in the saddle, so to speak?

Majorly Unmotivated

---

Ellen says:

My heart goes out to you, Majorly Unmotivated.

We’ve all been there: slogging through a terrible, no-good day. Or week. Or year.

Maybe you awkwardly fumbled through an interview for your dream job.

Maybe you froze up in the middle of a presentation — scrambling for your notes, sweating bullets, silently cursing Power Point.

Or maybe, as in your situation, you did everything “right” — you gave one hundred percent, your absolute best — but you still didn’t get chosen for the opportunity you wanted.

It’s rough. I know.

But guess what? If you feel like a “failure,” you’re in very good company.

Just think about JK Rowling, who received 12 rejections before one publisher said “Yes!” to Harry Potter.

Or Oprah, who got fired from one of her first TV news anchor positions for being “too emotionally involved in the stories.”

Or Thomas Edison, who made one thousand faulty light bulb prototypes before he finally got it right.

No doubt about it: I’ve had my share of failure and rejection, too.

In fact, there’s one particularly terrible, no-good day that will be forever burned into my mind — from back when I was the Director of a non-profit called MEarth,

A terrible, no-good day that changed my life, for the better.

And here’s how it happened:

At MEarth, my team had a big dream — to create a community garden and educational center for children — but we had several obstacles in our path.

Our biggest hurdle? We needed the local School Board’s approval before we could move forward. And they were not easy to impress.

We worked hard to prepare our presentation and we thought we had our ducks in a row.

But once we walked into that School Board meeting, it became obvious that there had been a major miscommunication between the Superintendent and the Board. They’d been given the wrong information about our project — and after a frustrating hour-long debate, we walked away empty-handed.

The next morning, my team and I sat around our conference table, sadly bemoaning what could have been.

As the project leader, I felt more wounded and humiliated than anyone. But I was unwilling to let our dream just fizzle away after one disappointment.

I told the group, “We’re going back in. We’re not taking ‘no’ for an answer.“

Everyone knew our chances were slim. We were going to present the same idea to the same group of people — who had already firmly rejected it.

But we knew that our project was important — that it would help hundreds of children, every year. And we also knew that a story — told the right way — could change everything.

We went back in. We re-told our story to the Board, took responsibility for the past confusion, showed them our passion and won the day!

It was a major turning point for our scrappy little organization and a major life lesson for me.

I realized that there’s only one way to bounce back after a terrible, no-good day.

It takes courage, but it’s not complicated:

You simply decide to go back in.

Don’t let a small bump in the road — or even a thousand bumps in the road — derail you from your dream.

When you feel humiliated, depressed or just plain defeated, remember what you’re fighting for. Remember who you are.

Remember, too, that rejection is just part of the process of being alive, building a career, putting yourself out there, or doing anything worthwhile. It may sting temporarily but the pain will always subside as long as you keep moving forward. The only thing that will really hurt you, permanently, is giving up on your dream.

You can do this.

Saddle up.

Go back in.

---

Alex says:

I feel like leaping astride a fine stallion and charging into battle like Joan of Arc after reading Ellen’s powerful story!

YES to everything she just said! Go back in!

As Ellen put it, it’s important to remember that rejection is part of the journey. Pretty much every great artist, inventor, writer, or social change-maker has faced his (or her) fair share of rejection.

Victories are not earned by people who give up. They are earned by people who find the inner grit to keep going.

Here’s what I would add to Ellen’s advice:

In those moments when you feel deeply defeated, where you know that you need to “go back in” except it feels so unbearably hard, try saying to yourself:

“This is it. My defining moment. What kind of person do I want to be? A quitter or a fighter?”

Hopefully, you will decide: “I am a fighter.”

Then, your next question becomes:

“Well, what am I fighting for?”

Are you fighting for… a terrific job with benefits? An opportunity to be part of an organization that is creating real change in the world? The freedom of running your own business? A job that will provide the salary you need to save up, eventually quit, and spend a year traveling the world?

It’s always a good idea to reconnect with your “bigger vision,” because the passion you feel for that vision will help pull you out of those slumpy moments. Keep reminding yourself what you are fighting for.

Having an internal conversation like this, asking these kinds of questions (“What kind of person do I want to be? What am I fighting for?”) is also valuable because it reminds you that you are always in charge of your life.

You can’t control always how people perceive you, or whether they adore you, or want to hire you.

But after you receive that frustrating rejection slip, or experience a set back, what happens next is your choice.

Fight or quit. Hide or try again. It’s always up to you.

So, to loop back around and echo Ellen’s earlier message, all I can say is:

Make your choice.

Go back in.

Good luck out there, Majorly Unmotivated (but hopefully, not for long!).

We (both) believe in you.

Alex & Ellen

---

Image: Willie Franklin.

Dear Ellen,

I have a job interview coming up.

I always get stressed out about interviews so I’ve been Googling to find tips on how to make a good impression and stand out.

But now I am literally drowning in advice. I feel like I have way too much to remember. Body language, eye contact, mirroring their facial expressions, preparing answers to all the commonly asked questions… OMG!

Can you help simplify things for me so that I can calm down?

I just want to feel confident when I walk into that room — and not seem like a complete spazz. Help?

Stressed To The Max

Dear STTM,

When you’re getting ready for a job interview, plenty of people will offer you plenty of well-meaning advice:

“Don’t forget to talk about your academic awards and club memberships!”

“Make sure to memorize a few of your most impressive accomplishments — that’ll wow them!”

“Make sure you can explain that gap on your resume! Tell them you were ‘taking a break from the workforce’ to focus on volunteer projects and your family.”

My philosophy? It’s a little unorthodox.

But as someone who has been on both sides of the hiring table, I know that it works.

If you want to be incredibly memorable and make everyone want to hire you, here’s a dirty little secret:

Your GPA, your academic awards, your affiliations and club memberships, even your prior work history — none of those things really matter. (At least: not as much as you might think.)

What does matter is telling a true story that your interviewer cannot forget.

A story that convinces your interviewer that you really give a damn about the job you’re applying for.

A story about why you want to make the world — and this company — a better place. Starting NOW.

Let me show you what I mean.

Which “why you should hire me” pitch feels more memorable and exciting?

This:

Interviewer: “So, why do you want this job at Social Media Company Inc.?”

You: “Well, in college I majored in Marketing with a minor in New Media — and as the President of the Debate Team, I was responsible for managing our team’s social media accounts.

I helped to grow our Twitter presence from 500 to 2,500 followers in less than six months and even secured some national media attention.

I feel that I’ve built up a considerable amount of knowledge about social media and I’m excited to grow and learn more at Social Media Company Inc.”

Or this:

Interviewer: “So, why do you want this job at Social Media Company Inc.?”

You: “I’m going to be completely honest and share a story that I don’t tell very often.

When I was a teenager, I was the victim of cyber-bullying at my school. It was a frightening, demoralizing experience. For years, I was afraid to walk down the halls of my high school.

I studied Marketing and New Media at college because I know, from personal experience, that the Internet is a powerful tool — one that can be used to hurt people or help people. Technology itself is not “good” or “evil.” It all depends on how you choose to use it.

I view Social Media Company Inc as a company that is devoted to doing good. I want to be a part of that movement. That’s why I want to work here.”

Exact same candidate.

Exact same credentials.

But the second time, this person told a powerful story. Feel the difference?

Stories are what people remember. Stories are what make us lean in, become fascinated, and want to know more.

Data, percentages, years when you did this or did that — they’re just lines on a resume. Easy to read. Easy to forget.

But a powerful, honest story about why you really want this job?

That’s what will make EVERYONE want to hire you.

My advice to you, STTM, is to stop Googling “interview tips” and instead, spend some time journaling about your past. Come up with a couple of stories that you could tell during your interview to demonstrate why you really, truly care about the position, company, or industry that you’ve chosen.  And to help you get started, here are some of my all-time favorite resources on the art of storytelling.

I can tell you, from personal experience, that most people DO NOT walk into the interview room with a good story to tell. The few that do are the ones who get remembered — and often, the ones who get hired.

I believe in you, STTM.

Take a deep breath, tell your story, and you will wow everyone in the room.

Find great work. Do great work. Unlock every door in your way.

---

Image: Willie Franklin

Dear Ellen,

I am what you might call a “personal development junkie.”

I read all the blogs, all the magazines, and all the books. I can rattle off quotes from Tony Robbins, Oprah and Martha Beck from memory.

Everyone is always talking about “being brave” and “courageously pursuing your dreams” and “not letting fear hold you back.”

I want to pursue my dreams. I want to be brave. But most days, I feel like I literally don’t know how.

How do I get from “reading” and “thinking” about being brave to actually “doing” it? I feel like I’m missing the courage gene.

I’m sick of feeling stuck and disappointing myself.

Want To Be Brave

Dear WTBB,

There is a huge sign at the Facebook offices in Menlo Park that says:

“What would you do if you weren’t afraid?”

It’s an intriguing question. Yet it’s also a frustrating one.

Because the truth is: we ARE afraid!

Nobody is one hundred percent “fearless.” We all have worries, concerns and anxieties. That’s human nature.

Being afraid is a natural human response to risk and adversity.

Fear can protect us from making careless mistakes, but — as you know all too well, WTBB — fear can also block us, weigh us down, and rob the world of the contributions we were born to make.

So what can we do when we hit a thick, impenetrable wall of fear? How do we summon up the courage to move forward with our dreams?

It’s a big question that you’re asking, WTBB, but I may have some words that can help you.

Brené Brown — a researcher who studies courage, shame, and vulnerability — recently shared this true story about how scared she felt before delivering her (now famous) TED Talk:

“Seconds before I was introduced [for my TED Talk], I thought about a paperweight on my desk that reads, “What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?”

I pushed the question out of my head to make room for a new question.

As I walked up to the stage, I literally whispered aloud, “What’s worth doing even if I fail?”

I love that question:

What’s worth doing even if I fail?

It’s a very different kind of question from “What would you do if you knew you could not fail?” (because failure is always a possibility) and “What would you do if you weren’t afraid?” (because you’ll never stop being afraid).

The key phrase? Even if.

What’s worth doing, or at least attempting, even if it doesn’t work out?

Now THAT’S an interesting question — and it might unlock a kind of bravery you didn’t realize you had.

The next time you’re standing at the doorway to your next job interview, totally terrified… or meeting that intimidating mentor for the very first time… or applying for that grant… or standing up for what’s right… and your fear stops you dead in your tracks and you wonder:

“What can I tell myself to stop feeling so afraid?”

Maybe, like Brené, you can tell yourself:

“I’m afraid and that’s OK. I am allowed to feel scared. But I am doing this anyway. Because this is so important to me, it is worth attempting even if I fail.”

I know there’s a brave lion-spirit inside of you, WTBB.

With every bold move you make and every step you take — no matter how small — your courage will continue to grow.

Just keep saying those two magic words to yourself:

“Even if.”

Find great work. Do great work. Unlock every door in your way.

---

Image: Willie Franklin

I love giving advice. So does my friend Alex. 

We come from different generations and we’re at very different points in our lives and careers. But we share the same philosophy: every door can be unlocked. 

Every once in a while, we  partner up on a special installment of my advice column, Ask Ellen. It’s called… Ask Alex & Ellen. 

Two hits of advice in one column.

We hope you enjoy it!

Dear Alex & Ellen,

I don’t want people to think of me as a “flaky” person, but the truth is… I kinda am.

It’s embarrassing to admit, but I make plans — and then cancel at the last moment — on a pretty regular basis.

I say I’ll go the gym, then I don’t. I promise to meet up with friends, then ask to reschedule. I say I’ll deliver a project at 5pm, but then procrastinate and wind up needing more time.

I don’t like the fact that I behave this way. I know I can do better.

Any advice on how to stop flaking out and disappointing myself… not to mention, other people?

Need A Cure For Flakedom

---

Alex says:

In my experience, people tend to flake out for one reason:

You never really wanted to say “Yes” to the commitment in the first place.

You only said “Yes” because you felt scared, pressured, or worried about missing out.

And now? You’re feeling resentful.

My advice to you is very simple:

The next time somebody makes a request, invites you to hang out, or asks for a favor — and you’re about to say, “Sure thing!” — STOP.

Ask yourself, “What is driving me to say Yes?”

Are you being driven by enthusiasm, passion, joy… love? Great. Check your calendar. Make sure it’s truly realistic. All good? Say “Yes.”

Are you being driven by fear of missing out, fear of what people might think, a sense of obligation, or a sense of scarcity? None of those are great reasons to make a commitment. Either change your attitude about the commitment, entirely… or say “No.”

As a smart woman once told me, “Make a Love Choice, not a Fear Choice.”

Make a Fear Choice and you’ll always want to flake out.

Make a Love Choice and you’ll always want to show up.

---

Ellen says:

Alex makes some good points. Being honest about what’s driving you to say “Yes” — love, or fear — is a great place to begin.

But I’ve got a hunch that there’s another step you’ll need to take, Need A Cure For Flakedom.

I suspect you have been telling yourself a particular kind of story. This story been playing and re-playing in your head for so long, now, that it feels like “the absolute truth.”

In order for you to permanently change your habits — and put an end to the flakiness — you must change the story that you’re telling yourself.

I know this, because I have experienced the exact same thing. (When you’ve lived as long as I have, you start to look at younger people with tremendous empathy. “Yep, been there… suffered through that!”)

I used to be perpetually 10 minutes late to everything. Coffee dates. Picking up my kids at school. Even business meetings.

I thought of myself as a VERY BUSY PERSON — this was the story inside my head! — and somehow that “excused” me from having to be on time.

This wasn’t much fun. Not for the people I kept waiting. And certainly not for me.

Being late was anxiety-provoking. I would arrive out of breath and apologetic. It often took another 10 minutes for me to regain my equiibrium and get things back on track. This added up to a lot of wasted time.

One day, I realized I wasn’t late because I was “busy” — I was late because I always tried to pack one too many things onto my schedule. In other words, I was late because I was unreasonable and unrealistic with my time.

For example, I would have 5 minutes before I needed to leave the house, and say to myself, “Oh, I can get just onnnnne more thing done. No problem!”

Then I’d lose myself in a project that (always) took longer than expected, and wind up frantically rushing out the door 10 minutes late.

Once this realization sank in, I decided to tell myself a new story.

Instead of, “I’m such a busy person!”

I began to say to myself, “I’m not overly busy. I have enough time for everything I want to do. I just need to be calm and reasonable when it comes to how many things I schedule, each day. I can do that. I value my time, and I value other people’s time, too.”

After changing the story, my behavior changed, too.

These days? I am never late. Often, I am the first person to arrive! My life is so much easier and less cluttered… and, ironically, I get so much more accomplished!

You can change your story, too.

Instead of telling yourself: “I’m a flaky person who doesn’t do what she promises,” you can begin to say to yourself, “I am reliable and trustworthy, and when I make decisions, I am driven by love… not fear.”

Tell yourself a new story, and you’ll begin to make new decisions. Better ones. That’s how it works!

I know you don’t want to go through life defining yourself as a flake. So just stop.

Define yourself differently. Start today.

Both of us know you can do it!

With love, times two,

Alex & Ellen

---

Image: Willie Franklin.

I love giving advice. So does my friend Alex. 

We come from different generations and we’re at very different points in our lives and careers. But we share the same philosophy: every door can be unlocked. 

We decided to partner up on a special installment of my advice column, Ask Ellen. It’s called… Ask Alex & Ellen. 

Two hits of advice in one column.

We hope you enjoy it!

Dear Alex & Ellen,

I got a great job about six months ago, and I am so grateful.

When I started the job, I worked extra-hard to make a really good impression.

I would arrive early — before I technically needed to. I would stay late — after everyone else had gone home. I would voluntarily work overtime (for no extra pay) and try to go “above and beyond” at every possible opportunity.

I am proud of myself for making a great first impression… but the problem is that I don’t want to work like that, anymore.

I’d like to shift into a more sustainable schedule so I don’t burn myself out.

But I’m scared that my boss and colleagues will be disappointed with me, or perceive me differently, if I start to scale things back.

Any advice, words of encouragement, a pep talk… something?

Kinda Over Overtime

---




Ellen says:

This is one of those good news / bad news situations.

The bad news?

Work is… work! It often takes late nights at the office, dedication and sacrifice to get the job done.

I don’t think I have ever done a job where this has not been the case.

Whether I was practicing death penalty law or running a bakery, I often worked late into the night. Especially at the very beginning of a job or a project.

The good news?

There is always a way to work a little smarter and accomplish the same amount — if not more! — in less time.

If you want to figure out how to “work smarter,” you’ll need to take an honest look at how you’re really spending your time every day — and then make some tweaks to your daily routine.

Here are some questions to get you rolling:

– How often do you waste time during the day? How many hours do you spend on Facebook, Twitter, clicking through the shiny images on Pinterest, or texting + emailing with friends?

Statistics show that the average worker really only works 5 hours a day — wasting up to 3 hours every workday on non-work related things.

(Some studies paint an even bleaker picture: just 3 hours of real work-time, every day… and 5 hours of fluff!)

Identify your personal time-wasters (we all have them!) and start to tighten the belt. This will crank up your focus and productivity, dramatically.

– Are there certain projects at work that don’t feel 100% necessary? Projects that could be simplified? Systems that could be tightened up, to save time?

Don’t be afraid to approach your manager to propose a few changes. If you’re proposing a change that saves you time, saves the company money, and allows you to perform at an even higher level… I’m sure your boss will be all for it!

– Do you walk into work each day with a clear plan? Or just kinda “wing it?” Having a plan makes a huge difference.

Try making a list each morning (or the night before) of the things you want to get done — and then schedule your day accordingly.

Only allow yourself to check your email / social media at certain times during the day.

– Do you allow yourself to take short breaks to recharge? Or do you try to “power through” the day, never leaving your desk?

Productivity expert Tony Schwartz encourages people to take a 15-minute break every 90 minutes. This rhythm has been scientifically proven to lead to better, faster work. So, don’t be afraid to take scheduled breaks throughout the day!

Getting up and walking around, stretching and popping outside for some fresh air are all excellent ways to give your brain a quick reboot.

To sum it up:

Spend some time looking at how you manage your time during your workday.

I bet you’ll find plenty of places where you can tighten things up, use your time more effectively, and finish your work even faster!

---

Alex says:

Wait, um… what are we talking about? I was looking at pictures of donuts on Pinterest. Just kidding.

A big “thumbs up” to everything that Ellen said.

We all have little time-wasting black-holes in our day.

It’s important to take an honest look at where you’re directing your time and energy. As Ellen points out, the good news is… there’s always room for improvement!
That being said… sometimes, highly-ambitious people get into the habit of flat-out “over performing.”

If you’re getting paid to work 40 hours a week, and you’re working 70 hours a week — really, truly 70 hours a week, not 40 hours of work and 30 hours of Facebook goofery — then that’s not fair or sustainable.

If you’ve gotten yourself into a rhythm of overperforming — and you want to break the pattern — it may take some courage. But you can do it. The sooner, the better.

Approach your boss and say:

Hey.

I’ve been making an effort to track my work-hours with more precision, and I’ve discovered that I’ve been working close to 70 hours a week on a pretty regular basis.

Starting this week, I am going to be more mindful about how much time I’m spending at the office.

So, if you notice me going home at 5pm instead of 8 or 9pm… that’s why.

I’m still 100% committed to this position, but I’m going to try to strike more of a balance between ‘work’ and ‘the rest of my life’. This will be a challenge, but I know it’s important to do. I’m sure you can relate. Thank you for understanding.

If your boss gets angry or insists that you keep working overtime… well, is that really someone you want to work for, in the first place? Probably not.

One last thing to remember?

You will never clear your desk 100%. There will always be “something” that could be completed, refined or perfected.

It is important to stop working at a reasonable time, go home and leave the rest for another day.

By doing so, you’ll be taking good care of your mind, body and spirit… and over the long haul? You’ll do much better work.

With love, times two,

Alex & Ellen

---

Image: Willie Franklin.