I love giving advice. So does my friend Alex. We come from different generations and we’re at very different points in our lives and careers. But we share the same philosophy: every door can be unlocked. Every once in a while, we partner up on a special installment of my advice column, Ask Ellen. It’s called… Ask Alex & Ellen. Two hits of advice in one column. We hope you enjoy it!
Dear Alex & Ellen,
I don’t want people to think of me as a “flaky” person, but the truth is… I kinda am.
It’s embarrassing to admit, but I make plans — and then cancel at the last moment — on a pretty regular basis.
I say I’ll go the gym, then I don’t. I promise to meet up with friends, then ask to reschedule. I say I’ll deliver a project at 5pm, but then procrastinate and wind up needing more time.
I don’t like the fact that I behave this way. I know I can do better.
Any advice on how to stop flaking out and disappointing myself… not to mention, other people?
Need A Cure For Flakedom
Alex says:
In my experience, people tend to flake out for one reason:
You never really wanted to say “Yes” to the commitment in the first place.
You only said “Yes” because you felt scared, pressured, or worried about missing out.
And now? You’re feeling resentful.
My advice to you is very simple:
The next time somebody makes a request, invites you to hang out, or asks for a favor — and you’re about to say, “Sure thing!” — STOP.
Ask yourself, “What is driving me to say Yes?”
Are you being driven by enthusiasm, passion, joy… love? Great. Check your calendar. Make sure it’s truly realistic. All good? Say “Yes.”
Are you being driven by fear of missing out, fear of what people might think, a sense of obligation, or a sense of scarcity? None of those are great reasons to make a commitment. Either change your attitude about the commitment, entirely… or say “No.”
As a smart woman once told me, “Make a Love Choice, not a Fear Choice.”
Make a Fear Choice and you’ll always want to flake out.
Make a Love Choice and you’ll always want to show up.
Ellen says:
Alex makes some good points. Being honest about what’s driving you to say “Yes” — love, or fear — is a great place to begin.
But I’ve got a hunch that there’s another step you’ll need to take, Need A Cure For Flakedom.
I suspect you have been telling yourself a particular kind of story. This story been playing and re-playing in your head for so long, now, that it feels like “the absolute truth.”
In order for you to permanently change your habits — and put an end to the flakiness — you must change the story that you’re telling yourself.
I know this, because I have experienced the exact same thing. (When you’ve lived as long as I have, you start to look at younger people with tremendous empathy. “Yep, been there… suffered through that!”)
I used to be perpetually 10 minutes late to everything. Coffee dates. Picking up my kids at school. Even business meetings.
I thought of myself as a VERY BUSY PERSON — this was the story inside my head! — and somehow that “excused” me from having to be on time.
This wasn’t much fun. Not for the people I kept waiting. And certainly not for me.
Being late was anxiety-provoking. I would arrive out of breath and apologetic. It often took another 10 minutes for me to regain my equiibrium and get things back on track. This added up to a lot of wasted time.
One day, I realized I wasn’t late because I was “busy” — I was late because I always tried to pack one too many things onto my schedule. In other words, I was late because I was unreasonable and unrealistic with my time.
For example, I would have 5 minutes before I needed to leave the house, and say to myself, “Oh, I can get just onnnnne more thing done. No problem!”
Then I’d lose myself in a project that (always) took longer than expected, and wind up frantically rushing out the door 10 minutes late.
Once this realization sank in, I decided to tell myself a new story.
Instead of, “I’m such a busy person!”
I began to say to myself, “I’m not overly busy. I have enough time for everything I want to do. I just need to be calm and reasonable when it comes to how many things I schedule, each day. I can do that. I value my time, and I value other people’s time, too.”
After changing the story, my behavior changed, too.
These days? I am never late. Often, I am the first person to arrive! My life is so much easier and less cluttered… and, ironically, I get so much more accomplished!
You can change your story, too.
Instead of telling yourself: “I’m a flaky person who doesn’t do what she promises,” you can begin to say to yourself, “I am reliable and trustworthy, and when I make decisions, I am driven by love… not fear.”
Tell yourself a new story, and you’ll begin to make new decisions. Better ones. That’s how it works!
I know you don’t want to go through life defining yourself as a flake. So just stop.
Define yourself differently. Start today.
Both of us know you can do it!
With love, times two,
Alex & Ellen
Image: Willie Franklin.