I love giving advice.

So does my friend Alex.

We come from different generations and we’re at very different points in our lives and careers. But we share the same philosophy: every door can be unlocked.

Every once in a while, we  partner up on a special installment of my advice column, Ask Ellen. It’s called… Ask Alex & Ellen.

Two hits of advice in one column.

We hope you enjoy it!

Dear Alex & Ellen,

How do you break through writer’s block?

—Kelly (it’s okay to use my real name)

Alex says:

Dear Kelly,

If you feel “blocked” with your writing, it’s usually because:

1. You really want to write, but something—like lack of time, lack of energy, lack of discipline, too many distractions, fear of criticism, some / all of the above—is making it difficult for you to sit down and write.

Or:

2. You don’t actually want to write—it’s not fun, it doesn’t excite you—but for some reason you feel like you’re “supposed to” or you “should.”

If you’re experiencing Situation #1, then you probably don’t need advice from me or anyone else. Let’s be honest: you probably already know what you need to do.

If you’re struggling to write because you’re distracted by social media, then turn off social media.

If you’re struggling to write because you’re tired and hungover, then sleep more and drink less beer.

If you’re struggling to write because your kids keep interrupting you, then hire a babysitter, or send them to grandma’s house for the weekend, or send them to a strict military boarding school for the next ten years (just kidding!).

You get my drift.

With Situation #1, the solution to whatever is blocking you is usually pretty obvious. You probably already know what you need to do. You don’t need to “figure it out.” You just need to buckle down and do it.

Now, as for Situation #2… that’s another story. There’s a big difference between wanting to write (but struggling to do it) versus not actually wanting to write (but forcing yourself to do it for whatever reason, maybe because somebody told you that you “should.”)

Maybe once upon a time, you felt called to write a novel or start a blog. But not anymore. You’re over it. You’ve discovered that you don’t actually enjoy writing very much. It’s just not your thing.

Guess what? That is OK. You don’t have to write. You don’t have to blog. There are so many things you can do other than run a blog. Give yourself permission to STOP WRITING—for a week, a month, a year—and see what happens. You might feel incredibly relieved and energized. You might discover that OMG photography is seriously your thing. Or hairstyling. Or teaching Tai Chi. Or who knows what.

If you don’t find writing enjoyable, then you don’t have to do it. Simple as that. Take a break. Pursue something else instead and see how that feels. It might feel really, really great. Allowing yourself to “not write” could actually lead you to a “calling” that fits you so much better.

That’s my two cents. Ellen: over to you!

Ellen says:

I feel your pain, Kelly. Writer’s block is a tough nut to crack. You wake up in the morning with the best of intentions and before you know it… the day has passed before your very eyes and you have nothing but a blank page to show for it.

First of all, know that you are not alone. Many respected, published writers experience writer’s block, just like you, along with so many other struggles: false starts, self-criticism, perfectionism, jealousy, and loss of confidence. Writing is hard work that requires discipline and a thick skin.

The author Anne Lamott wrote one of my favorite books on writing called Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life.

Here are 10 of Anne’s suggestions for combating writer’s block:

• Write regularly—whether you feel like writing or not.
• Give yourself short, achievable assignments each day.
• Write shitty first drafts. (Just get the words—any words—on paper.)
• Get to know your characters.
• Let the plot grow out of the characters.
• Have a pen and paper ready at all times. (Anne always carries an index card for jotting down random thoughts and notes.)
• Call around. Ask for help.
• Start a writing group.
• Write in your own voice.
• Remember that devotion and commitment are their own reward.

Speaking of “commitment”…

If you want to write a work of fiction, consider participating in National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo) which takes place every November.

When you register for NaNoWriMo, your challenge begins on November 1st. You’re urged to write 1,667 words every day for 30 consecutive days, resulting in a 50,000-word manuscript that’s “done” by 11:59pm on November 30th. (It doesn’t have to be “perfect” or “polished.” Just a rough draft!)

Over 430,000 people participated in this writing challenge last year—and the NaNoWriMo community is very active, welcoming, and supportive.

After finishing your NaNoWriMo manuscript, there’s no pressure to share it publicly or get it published if you don’t want to. However, many NaNoWriMo authors have gone on to receive publishing deals! To date, over 250 NaNoWriMo novels have been published, including Sara Gruen’s Water for Elephants, Erin Morgenstern’s The Night Circus, Hugh Howey’s Wool, Rainbow Rowell’s Fangirl, Jason Hough’s The Darwin Elevator, and Marissa Meyer’s Cinder.

Not interested in writing fiction?

You could volunteer to help young writers get their words on paper through an organization like 826 National or Write Girl. Often, mentoring someone else has a funny way of stirring creativity and unlocking your own writing, too.

If all else fails: stop writing (or not-writing) and get out of your house! Explore your city. Stretch your legs. Break a sweat. Take a road trip through unfamiliar terrain. Study people at bus stops. Eavesdrop on people’s conversations while waiting in line for coffee. Inspiration is everywhere!

Finally: count your blessings.

As Anne Lamott says: “You are lucky to be one of those people who wishes to build sand castles with words, who is willing to create a place where your imagination can wander.”

Whether you choose to continue writing, or not, good luck to you Kelly!

Feel free to keep us updated on how it goes.

Alex & Ellen

Image: Willie Franklin.

Dear Ellen,

I recently relocated to a new city—my husband got a job there—and I have to admit that I am really struggling. I miss my old friends. I’ve been job hunting without much success (sent out over ten resumes, not one response). On top of everything else, I just got a scary health diagnosis (one of those “lumps” that you never want to discover). I might be going into surgery soon.

I don’t know the “point” of this question, exactly, except to ask… do you have any words of advice for me? I am usually a very positive person, but this past year has left me completely exhausted. I’m just so tired. I feel like I need some kind of message or miracle to lift my spirits again.

Looking For A Sign

Dear Looking For A Sign,

My heart goes out to you. Moving, being unemployed, feeling disconnected from your community, and dealing with health issues on top of everything else—that’s a huge amount of stress all swirling around at once—and I’m not surprised you feel exhausted! Who wouldn’t? You’re only human, after all.

You say that you need some kind of “sign” or “message” to lift your spirits again. I can understand that feeling. Sometimes, you just need a little flicker of hope to remind you that there is so much beauty in the world. Other times, you just need a change of perspective.

One thing I’ve learned from my darkest moments—losing my first child, getting divorced, and during periodic business struggles that ebb and flow through the decades—is that even the most painful experiences always carry an opportunity for joy. It sounds very cliché, but it’s true: there’s always a “silver lining.”

Unemployed? That means you probably have an unusual amount of free time on your hands. Time that you could use connect with new (and old) friends in a meaningful way—take up letter writing, become pen pals, invite them to visit your new city for a spontaneous get-together, schedule a webcam video-date and have dinner together (despite being far away from one another), and so on.

Unwell? That means you need to slow down and rest so that you can heal. Here’s your opportunity to finally savor all those classic novels you never got around to reading. Here’s your chance to invite family to be with you at your bedside, to share stories you’ve never heard before, to rub your feet and hold your hand, and connect in an even deeper way.

As the American Buddhist nun and Zen scholar, Pema Chodron, has said:

“…feelings like disappointment, embarrassment, irritation, resentment, anger, jealousy, and fear, instead of being bad news, are actually very clear moments that teach us where it is that we’re holding back. They teach us to perk up and lean in when we feel we’d rather collapse and back away. They’re like messengers that show us, with terrifying clarity, exactly where we’re stuck. This very moment is the perfect teacher, and, lucky for us, it’s with us wherever we are.” 

I’m not saying that what you’re going through is “fun.” It’s absolutely not. But there’s always an opportunity for joy buried in every struggle—a flip side, a surprise gift, a silver lining. It’s not always obvious or easy to spot, but it’s there.

I know you can find yours.

Find great work. Do great work. Unlock every door in your way.

Image: Willie Franklin

I love giving advice.

So does my friend Alex.

We come from different generations and we’re at very different points in our lives and careers. But we share the same philosophy: every door can be unlocked.

Every once in a while, we  partner up on a special installment of my advice column, Ask Ellen. It’s called… Ask Alex & Ellen.

Two hits of advice in one column.

We hope you enjoy it!

Dear Alex & Ellen,

At 48, I am full of great ideas, but I have hit a wall and I am struggling to complete any of them.

I sit each day on the computer (the distraction box, in my case) looking for, and submitting myself for, jobs. I have had one interview in eight months. This is very unlike anything I have experienced before. As an educator with my master’s degree in counseling, I have always had options.

It’s funny, I tell my college-age children that they have to make their own opportunities instead of waiting for someone to just offer them—and yet, I do not follow my own advice.

How can I stop wheel-spinning and follow through on my ideas?

Want To Finish Something

Alex says:

Dear WTSF,

After reading your question, my first thought was, “Wow, you sound like a very accomplished person!” You hold an advanced degree in a very difficult subject. You’ve raised kids and you’ve gotten them off to college. You’re an educator. You’ve taught classes. You’ve done all that, and yet, for whatever reason, in this chapter of your life, you feel stuck.

If we were sitting down for a cup of coffee, my first question for you would be:

“In the past, when you’ve been facing a big goal—like finishing your master’s degree—what helped you to do that? What were the ‘success strategies’ that you used back then? What helped you to stay organized? What helped you to stay motivated? How did you set up your day?”

You already know how to make big things happen. You’ve done it many times before.
It sounds like, maybe, you’ve just temporarily forgotten what “works” for you. I’d advise you to roll back in time and study your own history for clues about how you work best.

In addition to that, I recommend reading The War of Art by Steven Pressfield and Die Empty by Todd Henry, two powerful books that will urge you to move forward with your great ideas now—while you can, while you’re alive, before it’s too late. Die Empty made me sob on an airplane and re-evaluate my entire life. I hope it has a similar effect on you, and I mean that with the utmost love. Sometimes, we all need to be shaken awake! I keep a copy of Die Empty on my shelf near my computer and the title, alone, gives me a little “jolt” each morning. It’s a good thing.

Ellen says:

I have started many new jobs, businesses, and projects throughout my career and I have often found myself in the frustrating spot that you are currently are in. So many options! Lots of indecision! My best advice: just choose something.

Choose a project. Choose a direction. Choose a business card design or website layout or whatever. Don’t fret over whether your choice is the “perfect” choice. Just choose. Commit to a particular path, move forward for a while, and see what happens.

Once you’ve committed to a particular path or project, you’ll be surprised by the doors that open and the opportunities that surface for you. Things will become clearer once you’re in motion.

You also mentioned feeling distracted, some days. I can relate! One of my favorite systems for getting things done is called the 1-3-5 to-do list.

Here’s how it works: on any given day, I try to accomplish 1 big thing, 3 medium things, and 5 small things. It might look like this:

1 big thing: Edit workbook for new online course & send to Shauna for design phase

3 medium things: Email proposal to Susan, take a Pilates class, have dinner with Lexy

5 small things: Fold laundry, wash dishes, pay utility bill, get groceries for this weekend, respond to Alex’s email

Doing a 1-3-5 to-do list forces me to narrow down my daily objectives to just 9 items that I can realistically finish in a single day. It always helps me to focus and stay on track. Plus, I always feel so accomplished after finishing my 9 items!

Aside from trying out the 1-3-5 system, a great cure for overwhelm is to get yourself out of the house. Reach out to friends. Attend inspiring talks and concerts. Make time to exercise. Get a new haircut (I’m serious!) or redecorate your home. If your life is feeling stagnant, then start moving things around—literally. Get your daily life into motion, and pretty soon, all of that fresh energy and momentum will spill into your career as well.

Good luck, WTFS! We are cheering for you.

Alex & Ellen

Image: Willie Franklin.

Dear Ellen,

I run a website about realizing your potential and becoming a leader in your industry and community. My work is geared towards young people (16-26 years old) who are just beginning their careers. I’m a former teacher, and I am so passionate about helping young people to succeed. I write. I create videos. I’m active on social media. I release new content regularly and I’ve been doing this for several years.

Here’s the problem: young people don’t seem to be “connecting” with what I’m doing. My content doesn’t get a lot of shares, likes, or comments. Nothing is going viral. It feels like I am talking to an empty room—and it’s becoming discouraging.

I’m not trying to make any money from this website. I just want to help people. But something’s not working. I know that it takes time to build an audience, and it’s important to be patient, but I don’t want to spend another five years creating new content, every week, if it’s just going to be ignored. I want to figure out what I’m “missing” so that I can create materials that young people actually get excited about and want to use and share.

What advice would you give to someone in my situation?

Just Want To Help

Dear JWTH,

A colleague forwarded your question to me because she thought I might have some insights for you. I can see why she did, because our stories are actually very similar.

Here’s a little secret: back when I started this website, I had a very specific vision. I told myself, “I want to coach teenagers, college students, and young adults and help them to launch into their careers successfully. I’m not particularly interested in working with older people. It’s the young ‘Millennial generation’ that I want to help.”

I invested tons of time, energy, and money into creating materials geared towards teens and twenty-somethings. I wrote e-books. I wrote website language. I reached out to parents and school directors to introduce myself. I worked hard to make my presence known.

Guess what happened next?

Much like you, JWTH, I found myself in a frustrating pickle: very few young people seemed to be visiting my website—and those that did couldn’t afford to hire me for career coaching.

A year or so went by. I began to feel really defeated. All that effort to put together a beautiful, welcoming website especially for young people—and they don’t seem to care!

I had to think long and hard about what to do next. I took some quiet time to reflect. I had conversations with wise friends. Ultimately, I made a choice:

If my work is not resonating with young people, for whatever reason, then I need to change gears and try something else.

I decided to re-brand myself and change my business model. Instead of calling myself a “career and business coach for Millennials” I became a “career and business coach,” period.

Today, I work with clients of all ages, from teens to recent grads to people in their sixties and seventies. If you want to find meaningful, exciting work, then my doors are open to you. This new approach is working much better for me. People are emailing and responding to my work much more than before. I recently led an online course for over 70 clients and the energy was palpable! It feels like my work is “working” now.

That’s my personal story. Now, back over to you.

You asked, “What advice would you give to someone in my situation?”

Here’s my advice for you:

• Humbly accept that not every “idea” or “project” is destined to “go viral.” For every campaign that explodes into cultural consciousness—like the Can’t Do Nothing project, or the It Gets Better project — there are 1,000 other similar projects that, for whatever reason, go mostly unnoticed. This doesn’t mean that something is “wrong” with your project. That’s just the reality of our world.

• Ask yourself, “If my work helps even just 10 young people every year, is that enough for me? Is that worth it?” Your answer might be “Yes” or it might be “No.” Neither answer is “correct.” Just be honest with yourself.

• If you decide that “helping 10 people would be enough,” then perhaps you could change your approach so that—instead of posting content online and feeling like nobody is listening—you could lead small 10-person workshops in your hometown where you actually meet young people face to face and mentor them over the course of a year. That way, you won’t feel like you’re speaking to an empty room. Instead, you’ll watch these young people flourish before your eyes, and you’ll really be able to “see” and “feel” the impact of your work.

Believe me, I know how discouraging it can feel when you work hard to create something wonderful, and the audience you want to reach just doesn’t seem interested.

But there’s always a way to move forward. You can switch gears and start speaking to a new (or expanded) audience. You can change your tone, your branding, your type of storytelling. You can change your setting (offline instead of online, Snapchat instead of Facebook, etc). Or you can change the scope of your vision.

Maybe working with 10 young people, face to face, will ultimately feel even more rewarding than trying to reach thousands online.

Whatever you choose to do next, I want to salute you for your tremendous effort and generosity thus far. The world needs more people like you—people who truly, genuinely just want to help, be heard, and share resources with people in need. I’m sure you’ve already touched many, many lives. Perhaps many more than you realize.

Let me know how it goes!

Find great work. Do great work. Unlock every door in your way.

Image: Willie Franklin

Dear Ellen,

I am in the midst of contract negotiation at my job. I have worked here for 25 years, with excellent reviews.

The salary offer made to me was quite low. I have some knowledge of other salaries and they are quite a bit higher than my offer, despite my credentials and longevity. I know it was just a low ball offer to see if I would bite.

How do I assert myself, feeling armed with the above knowledge that a certain salary is possible (Others have it). I work in a male dominated field, and I am not.

Thanks!

Wanting Fair Pay

Dear WFP,

You’re great at your job — but you’re not being offered a fair salary and you know you’re earning less than many of your male co-workers. Ick. Not a fun situation.

As a disclaimer, before diving into my advice, I want to encourage you to consult with a negotiation expert, an attorney, an HR expert, or all of the above. I am… none of those things.

Which means the advice that I’m about to give you is purely “what I would do in your situation,” not “expert legal advice.”

With that disclaimer out of the way… here’s my advice on how to proceed:

This definitely feels like a situation where you’ll want to keep your emotions in check. Stay calm and—when you’re ready to speak with your employer—rely heavily on “the facts.”

Can you prove that you ought to be earning more? What’s the average salary, nationwide, for someone in your position with your level of experience? If possible, collect some data to bolster your case. Then, as a last resort, mention the private info you’ve received from actual co-workers at your company.

When you’re ready, I’d recommend setting up a meeting with your employer to discuss the facts—calmly and politely, but with great strength.

You could say something like…

Thank you for putting together an initial offer for me to review.

I’d like to discuss the offer you made.

First, let’s discuss the salary you proposed.

You offered [NUMBER].

However, the nationwide average for someone in my position, with my level of experience, is [HIGHER NUMBER], which is considerably higher than what’s being offered here [point to their salary offer].

I’d like to bring my salary up to [HIGHER NUMBER]. Given my 25 years of service at this company and my track record here, I feel that’s fair.

Give your employer a chance to respond.

If your employer says something like, “Oh, that might be the average, nationwide, but we can’t match that salary here…” then you can respond by saying:

Based on private conversations with some of my colleagues here, I know that several of them are earning the exact same salary that I am requesting—or a salary that is higher.

Given my performance reviews here, my credentials and longevity at this company, I am curious as to why my salary offer would be lower than many of my peers. Could you share why?

Give your employer a chance to respond again.

Based on what they say next, you can decide how to proceed.

Hopefully, your employer will realize the error of his / her ways and agree to your new terms.

If your employer is unwilling to budge, or keeps insisting that the salary you want is not possible, I recommend closing your conversation (for now) by calmly expressing your disappointment.

I am sorry to hear that. 


I am not ready to sign off on this offer until we can come to an agreement of some kind.

Let’s take a few days and then meet again to discuss this further.

In the meantime, if you are able to come up with a new offer for me, feel free to email it to me. Thanks for speaking with me today.

I hope these “talking points” are helpful to you, WFP. I can’t imagine that this will be a “fun” conversation for you to have, but if you stay calm and steady, point out the facts, and hold firm, you can be proud of yourself no matter what the final outcome may be.

Last but not least: here’s a great article about some of your “employee rights.”

Turns out, you are completely allowed to discuss working conditions, including salary and benefits, with your co-workers. So if your employer says, “You’re not supposed to know what your peers are earning!” you can relax, knowing that—in fact—you are legally protected. If your co-workers are willing to share what they earn, that’s perfectly legal and in most instances, there’s nothing your employer can do about it. Good to know!

Good luck, WFP. You deserve to be paid fairly for your work.

Let me know how it goes!

Find great work. Do great work. Unlock every door in your way.

Image: Willie Franklin