I love giving advice.
So does my friend Alex.
We come from different generations and we’re at very different points in our lives and careers. But we share the same philosophy: every door can be unlocked.
Every once in a while, we partner up on a special installment of my advice column, Ask Ellen. It’s called… Ask Alex & Ellen.
Two hits of advice in one column.
We hope you enjoy it!
Dear Alex & Ellen,
My question is: how can you develop a friendship with someone you met once—like at a wedding or conference or similar event?
Sometimes, although not very often, I meet someone and I feel an instant connection. Like “friendship at first sight.” But how do you keep that connection going?
Just Want To Be Friends
Alex says:
Dear JWTBF,
We live in a culture that is obsessed with “collecting friends” and it’s not particularly healthy. We’re also a very impatient culture. We want results NOW. We don’t like waiting, not even for one second. Swipe. Tap. Click. Gimme!
This is probably one of the reasons why I purposefully avoid networking events, conferences, and pretty much all forms of social media. I would rather nourish the friendships and professional relationships that I’ve already got rather than scurry around trying to add more, more, more people to my network. This may sound very grumpy and grinch-like, but… it’s the truth!
But you, JWTBF, do not sound like a frenzied friend-collector. Quite the opposite.
You said it yourself: “Sometimes, although not very often, I meet someone and I feel an instant connection. Like ‘friendship at first sight.’”
The feeling that you’re describing, JWTBF, is special and rare. In Celtic monasticism, it’s called “Anam Cara,” which means “Soul Friend.” Anam Caras don’t come around every day. So when you feel that type of feeling, then yes, I think it’s wonderful to pursue it.
My recommended approach would be to follow up with a brief email after the event. Share your feelings, and then invite your new friend to do something interesting—coffee is fine, but propose a couple of unique experiences, too. Keep it light and un-pushy. Give a generous timeline to meet up again, like “sometime in the next month.”
You could say something like…
Hey [name],
I really enjoyed meeting you at [place].
I know you’re probably very busy with life, work, and so forth. Me too. But I just wanted to send you an email to say that I felt a lovely spark during our conversation the other day—like “friendship at first sight”—and I would definitely love to hang out again if that’s something you’d like, too!
Maybe at some point in the next month or so, we could take a yoga class, get a manicure, visit the Museum of Modern Art (you mentioned you’ve never been! shocking) or get sugary treats at my favorite donut place.
Let me know a couple of dates that might work for you. No pressure whatsoever. Just an invitation to be friends. 🙂
[your name here]
If your new friend doesn’t respond to your lovely email, well, then perhaps they’re not feeling the same “spark” as you, or they’re just too busy to incorporate more friends into their life right now—and that’s OK. Let it go. There will be other Anam Caras in your lifetime. But if they do respond? Hooray! A soul friendship is born.
Ellen says:
It’s been my experience that as we go through our lives, we make different kinds of friends. Each of them fill different needs.
There are the soulmate / true blue friends. The Anam Caras, as Alex so beautifully pointed out.
There are friends that we love to be with. We call them when we want some fun company to go to movies or dinner or to take a walk.
There are work friends. People we share a good portion of our lives with whom we rarely socialize on the weekends.
All of these people make our lives fuller, richer, deeper.
I still have a few friends from college—high school, even—but I made most of my true blue friends when my children were growing up. They are the backbone of my life. My soul sisters.
When I moved a few years back, after living in the same community for over 32 years, it was jarring not to have my soul sisters nearby. Of course they were still in my life—we talked often on the phone and saw each other when we could. But it wasn’t the same.
I realized I needed to make new friends. I knew I could never replace the deep friendships I had nurtured over many decades, but I also was open to having new kinds of friends.
So, I reached out. I went to workshops. I went to exercise classes. I took cooking classes and did things that aligned with my interests. Over time, I met some great people. By following through and taking initiative, I have developed friendships that have expanded my world in ways I never could have imagined.
It’s true, not everyone is a soulmate friend. Those are rare. But when you find them, it is priceless.
So I say, make the effort! If you’re feeling a spark with someone, reach out and see what happens. Keep an open mind and try to allow this new friendship to be whatever it’s meant to be: a soul friendship, a professional friendship, a friendship that lasts many years, or maybe one that just lasts for one summer.
Not every friendship is meant to last an entire lifetime, but even brief friendships can still enrich and enhance your life.
Good luck, JWTBF!
Here’s to many happy friendships.
Let us know how it goes!
Alex & Ellen
PS. When it comes to getting your dream job, landing a new client, or getting any other kind of major career opportunity, it’s all about “who you know.”
But having a strong professional network doesn’t necessarily mean have 10,000 Twitter followers: it’s about the quality of your relationships, not just the quantity. And if you want to strengthen your network and forge real friendships with people who can open all kinds of doors for you… I have a new program you should know about!
Join me and my colleague Susan Hyatt for a new online experience called GO GET IT!
With this program, you’ll choose 1 career, business, or income-related goal and you’ll pursue it with 100% commitment for 6 weeks in a row.
As part of the process, you’ll make strategic connections with a small handful of people who can help you reach your goal—and you’ll focus on building high-quality relationships that feel genuine, not forced.
Enrollment for GO GET IT! is open right now. You’ll get a generous bundle of “thank you” gifts the moment you enroll, including over ten workbooks from my Unlocked Academy collection on topics like how to write an enticing cover letter, how to woo a mentor, how to put together a basic business plan, and more.
Here’s all the info on GO GET IT! The program begins on April 4th. Sign up, choose your goal, and get ready to make major progress!
Susan and I can’t wait to see you inside!
Image: Willie Franklin.