Dear Ellen,
I am what you might call a “personal development junkie.”
I read all the blogs, all the magazines, and all the books. I can rattle off quotes from Tony Robbins, Oprah and Martha Beck from memory.
Everyone is always talking about “being brave” and “courageously pursuing your dreams” and “not letting fear hold you back.”
I want to pursue my dreams. I want to be brave. But most days, I feel like I literally don’t know how.
How do I get from “reading” and “thinking” about being brave to actually “doing” it? I feel like I’m missing the courage gene.
I’m sick of feeling stuck and disappointing myself.
Want To Be Brave
Dear WTBB,
There is a huge sign at the Facebook offices in Menlo Park that says:
“What would you do if you weren’t afraid?”
It’s an intriguing question. Yet it’s also a frustrating one.
Because the truth is: we ARE afraid!
Nobody is one hundred percent “fearless.” We all have worries, concerns and anxieties. That’s human nature.
Being afraid is a natural human response to risk and adversity.
Fear can protect us from making careless mistakes, but — as you know all too well, WTBB — fear can also block us, weigh us down, and rob the world of the contributions we were born to make.
So what can we do when we hit a thick, impenetrable wall of fear? How do we summon up the courage to move forward with our dreams?
It’s a big question that you’re asking, WTBB, but I may have some words that can help you.
Brené Brown — a researcher who studies courage, shame, and vulnerability — recently shared this true story about how scared she felt before delivering her (now famous) TED Talk:
“Seconds before I was introduced [for my TED Talk], I thought about a paperweight on my desk that reads, “What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?”
I pushed the question out of my head to make room for a new question.
As I walked up to the stage, I literally whispered aloud, “What’s worth doing even if I fail?”
I love that question:
What’s worth doing even if I fail?
It’s a very different kind of question from “What would you do if you knew you could not fail?” (because failure is always a possibility) and “What would you do if you weren’t afraid?” (because you’ll never stop being afraid).
The key phrase? Even if.
What’s worth doing, or at least attempting, even if it doesn’t work out?
Now THAT’S an interesting question — and it might unlock a kind of bravery you didn’t realize you had.
The next time you’re standing at the doorway to your next job interview, totally terrified… or meeting that intimidating mentor for the very first time… or applying for that grant… or standing up for what’s right… and your fear stops you dead in your tracks and you wonder:
“What can I tell myself to stop feeling so afraid?”
Maybe, like Brené, you can tell yourself:
“I’m afraid and that’s OK. I am allowed to feel scared. But I am doing this anyway. Because this is so important to me, it is worth attempting even if I fail.”
I know there’s a brave lion-spirit inside of you, WTBB.
With every bold move you make and every step you take — no matter how small — your courage will continue to grow.
Just keep saying those two magic words to yourself:
“Even if.”
Find great work. Do great work. Unlock every door in your way.
Image: Willie Franklin