I love giving advice. So does my friend Alex. We come from different generations and we’re at very different points in our lives and careers. But we share the same philosophy: every door can be unlocked. Every once in a while, we partner up on a special installment of my advice column, Ask Ellen. It’s called… Ask Alex & Ellen. Two hits of advice in one column. We hope you enjoy it!
Dear Alex & Ellen,
I recently applied for a job I really wanted. I got pretty far along in the interview process and it seemed like they liked me and wanted to hire me.
I was starting to get really excited. Then, after weeks of waiting, they emailed to tell me that I hadn’t been selected.
They were very professional and polite, of course, but I still feel so upset. I know I should just “get over it” and apply for something else, but I don’t feel like I can handle the disappointment all over again.
Any wise words of advice to help me get back in the saddle, so to speak?
Majorly Unmotivated
Ellen says:
My heart goes out to you, Majorly Unmotivated.
We’ve all been there: slogging through a terrible, no-good day. Or week. Or year.
Maybe you awkwardly fumbled through an interview for your dream job.
Maybe you froze up in the middle of a presentation — scrambling for your notes, sweating bullets, silently cursing Power Point.
Or maybe, as in your situation, you did everything “right” — you gave one hundred percent, your absolute best — but you still didn’t get chosen for the opportunity you wanted.
It’s rough. I know.
But guess what? If you feel like a “failure,” you’re in very good company.
Just think about JK Rowling, who received 12 rejections before one publisher said “Yes!” to Harry Potter.
Or Oprah, who got fired from one of her first TV news anchor positions for being “too emotionally involved in the stories.”
Or Thomas Edison, who made one thousand faulty light bulb prototypes before he finally got it right.
No doubt about it: I’ve had my share of failure and rejection, too.
In fact, there’s one particularly terrible, no-good day that will be forever burned into my mind — from back when I was the Director of a non-profit called MEarth,
A terrible, no-good day that changed my life, for the better.
And here’s how it happened:
At MEarth, my team had a big dream — to create a community garden and educational center for children — but we had several obstacles in our path.
Our biggest hurdle? We needed the local School Board’s approval before we could move forward. And they were not easy to impress.
We worked hard to prepare our presentation and we thought we had our ducks in a row.
But once we walked into that School Board meeting, it became obvious that there had been a major miscommunication between the Superintendent and the Board. They’d been given the wrong information about our project — and after a frustrating hour-long debate, we walked away empty-handed.
The next morning, my team and I sat around our conference table, sadly bemoaning what could have been.
As the project leader, I felt more wounded and humiliated than anyone. But I was unwilling to let our dream just fizzle away after one disappointment.
I told the group, “We’re going back in. We’re not taking ‘no’ for an answer.“
Everyone knew our chances were slim. We were going to present the same idea to the same group of people — who had already firmly rejected it.
But we knew that our project was important — that it would help hundreds of children, every year. And we also knew that a story — told the right way — could change everything.
We went back in. We re-told our story to the Board, took responsibility for the past confusion, showed them our passion and won the day!
It was a major turning point for our scrappy little organization and a major life lesson for me.
I realized that there’s only one way to bounce back after a terrible, no-good day.
It takes courage, but it’s not complicated:
You simply decide to go back in.
Don’t let a small bump in the road — or even a thousand bumps in the road — derail you from your dream.
When you feel humiliated, depressed or just plain defeated, remember what you’re fighting for. Remember who you are.
Remember, too, that rejection is just part of the process of being alive, building a career, putting yourself out there, or doing anything worthwhile. It may sting temporarily but the pain will always subside as long as you keep moving forward. The only thing that will really hurt you, permanently, is giving up on your dream.
You can do this.
Saddle up.
Go back in.
Alex says:
I feel like leaping astride a fine stallion and charging into battle like Joan of Arc after reading Ellen’s powerful story!
YES to everything she just said! Go back in!
As Ellen put it, it’s important to remember that rejection is part of the journey. Pretty much every great artist, inventor, writer, or social change-maker has faced his (or her) fair share of rejection.
Victories are not earned by people who give up. They are earned by people who find the inner grit to keep going.
Here’s what I would add to Ellen’s advice:
In those moments when you feel deeply defeated, where you know that you need to “go back in” except it feels so unbearably hard, try saying to yourself:
“This is it. My defining moment. What kind of person do I want to be? A quitter or a fighter?”
Hopefully, you will decide: “I am a fighter.”
Then, your next question becomes:
“Well, what am I fighting for?”
Are you fighting for… a terrific job with benefits? An opportunity to be part of an organization that is creating real change in the world? The freedom of running your own business? A job that will provide the salary you need to save up, eventually quit, and spend a year traveling the world?
It’s always a good idea to reconnect with your “bigger vision,” because the passion you feel for that vision will help pull you out of those slumpy moments. Keep reminding yourself what you are fighting for.
Having an internal conversation like this, asking these kinds of questions (“What kind of person do I want to be? What am I fighting for?”) is also valuable because it reminds you that you are always in charge of your life.
You can’t control always how people perceive you, or whether they adore you, or want to hire you.
But after you receive that frustrating rejection slip, or experience a set back, what happens next is your choice.
Fight or quit. Hide or try again. It’s always up to you.
So, to loop back around and echo Ellen’s earlier message, all I can say is:
Make your choice.
Go back in.
Good luck out there, Majorly Unmotivated (but hopefully, not for long!).
We (both) believe in you.
Alex & Ellen
Image: Willie Franklin.