Dear Ellen,
I recently relocated to a new city—my husband got a job there—and I have to admit that I am really struggling. I miss my old friends. I’ve been job hunting without much success (sent out over ten resumes, not one response). On top of everything else, I just got a scary health diagnosis (one of those “lumps” that you never want to discover). I might be going into surgery soon.
I don’t know the “point” of this question, exactly, except to ask… do you have any words of advice for me? I am usually a very positive person, but this past year has left me completely exhausted. I’m just so tired. I feel like I need some kind of message or miracle to lift my spirits again.
Looking For A Sign
Dear Looking For A Sign,
My heart goes out to you. Moving, being unemployed, feeling disconnected from your community, and dealing with health issues on top of everything else—that’s a huge amount of stress all swirling around at once—and I’m not surprised you feel exhausted! Who wouldn’t? You’re only human, after all.
You say that you need some kind of “sign” or “message” to lift your spirits again. I can understand that feeling. Sometimes, you just need a little flicker of hope to remind you that there is so much beauty in the world. Other times, you just need a change of perspective.
One thing I’ve learned from my darkest moments—losing my first child, getting divorced, and during periodic business struggles that ebb and flow through the decades—is that even the most painful experiences always carry an opportunity for joy. It sounds very cliché, but it’s true: there’s always a “silver lining.”
Unemployed? That means you probably have an unusual amount of free time on your hands. Time that you could use connect with new (and old) friends in a meaningful way—take up letter writing, become pen pals, invite them to visit your new city for a spontaneous get-together, schedule a webcam video-date and have dinner together (despite being far away from one another), and so on.
Unwell? That means you need to slow down and rest so that you can heal. Here’s your opportunity to finally savor all those classic novels you never got around to reading. Here’s your chance to invite family to be with you at your bedside, to share stories you’ve never heard before, to rub your feet and hold your hand, and connect in an even deeper way.
As the American Buddhist nun and Zen scholar, Pema Chodron, has said:
“…feelings like disappointment, embarrassment, irritation, resentment, anger, jealousy, and fear, instead of being bad news, are actually very clear moments that teach us where it is that we’re holding back. They teach us to perk up and lean in when we feel we’d rather collapse and back away. They’re like messengers that show us, with terrifying clarity, exactly where we’re stuck. This very moment is the perfect teacher, and, lucky for us, it’s with us wherever we are.”
I’m not saying that what you’re going through is “fun.” It’s absolutely not. But there’s always an opportunity for joy buried in every struggle—a flip side, a surprise gift, a silver lining. It’s not always obvious or easy to spot, but it’s there.
I know you can find yours.
Find great work. Do great work. Unlock every door in your way.
Image: Willie Franklin