Dear Ellen:

I’m a total introvert — you know, the person who’s always tucked in the corner at parties, or reading a book alone at a bar.

I don’t have a problem with being introverted — I like quiet activities, I like being alone with my thoughts, and I like who I am.

But everyone keeps telling me that I need to “promote” myself more, and talk about my achievements. (My career counselor told me, “Don’t be afraid to brag!”)

I’ll be graduating from college soon, and beginning the dreaded job-hunt. All that networking, the phone calls, the interviews … it’s making me anxious, already.

Do you have any tips on self-promotion for introverts?

Or do I just need to buck up and try to be more extroverted — at least until I’ve landed a job?

Signed,

Allergic To Bragging

Dear Allergic to Bragging,

We live in a world where extroverts rule. Workplaces are set up for maximum group interaction. Office settings often have no walls — and no privacy. People who prefer to stay out of the commotion are often perceived as “shy” or “under-confident.” But that’s not necessarily true, at all!

As a lifelong introvert, myself, I can tell you: there’s nothing wrong with preferring a quiet, peaceful or even solitary kind of life.

In fact, some of history’s greatest writers, thinkers and leaders have described themselves as introverts.

The poet Mary Oliver barely leaves her house and almost never does interviews — yet she is one of America’s bestselling poets. Gandhi, Mother Teresa and Bill Gates are all people who have made a significant mark on the world, and who consider themselves to be introverts.

But let’s leave “changing the world” aside, for the moment. Back to your question: What’s the best way to network when you’re hunting for a job, as an introvert?

It’s important to remember that networking + self-promotion aren’t necessarily about blasting your message (loudly!) to as many people as you possibly can.

Finding meaningful work is all about relationships, and when it comes to relationships, it’s about quality, not quantity.

If you have three people who trust you, believe in you, and would do just about anything to help further your career, that’s far better than three hundred people who barely remember your last name.

You can absolutely build professional relationships + impress people in a “quiet” way, and here are a few ideas on how to do it:

: Invite a potential mentor out for a coffee date or a walk in the park, instead of attending a boisterous happy hour event.

: Or, go to that happy hour event, but then give yourself plenty of alone-time afterwards to recharge.

: Leverage one of your introvert superpowers — deep listening — and ask plenty of questions while you’re having a conversation. Get the other person talking about themselves, so that the spotlight isn’t glaring on you.

: Send hand-written “thank you” notes after a job interview or coffee date. You’ll make a terrific impression … from afar!

: Throw an intimate party (whatever “intimate” means to you — maybe two people, maybe twelve) and invite everyone to share their career goals around the table. See how you can help others, and they’ll be inspired to help you!

: Work with a career coach or resume editor in a 1-on-1 capacity, rather than attending a massive job fair or gigantic workshop.

: Replace the word “bragging” with a different term that feels more comfortable. Try “sharing” or “stating the facts” or “celebrating my accomplishments.”

Most of all, be honest with yourself. Don’t pretend to be somebody you’re not — while you’re hunting for a job, or after you’ve gotten the job.

Think about the kind of career — and working environment — that will make you truly happy.

Just like a redwood seedling needs certain conditions in order to grow + thrive, so do you! Give yourself the conditions you need, in order to be your best.

The more you accept + celebrate who you truly are, the easier it will be for you to find work that you love.

And I know you will do just that.

Yours,

Ellen

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Image: Willie Franklin

Dear Ellen:

I graduated from college 11 months ago and so far, I have not been able to find a job in my field (I was an English major — and my dream is to work in publishing). I have applied to hundreds of places but so far, nothing has panned out.

I am trying to stay hopeful, but I’ve reached a point where I don’t know what else to do. I spend most of the day in my room, reading updates on Facebook and watching movies on my computer. I am living back home with my parents, and I feel like nothing has changed since I was in high school.

How can I recapture the energy I felt at graduation? Is there anything I can be doing to make better use of my time — and find a paying job?

Please help. It feels like all of my friends are all “grown up,” living in their own apartments, doing cool things in the world, while I’m just … stuck.

Signed,

Defeated in San Diego

Dear DISD:

I hear your pain and believe me — you are not alone.

Suffering through rejection after rejection is never easy. And feeling disappointed is only human.

When it comes to landing your dream job, there’s no sure-fire road to success.

But I can tell you this:

If you are hearing a lot of “No’s,” it’s not enough to simply keep “applying” and “putting yourself out there.”

You’ve got to put yourself out there — but with a stronger, more impressive package.

Keep repeating the same old moves — the same cover letter, the same resume, the same networking style — and you’re likely to keep getting the same results for another 11 months.

Try out a new angle.  And you might finally crack open that door.

So, where should you go from here? I think you know the answer, DISD. It doesn’t take much to see that you need to get off the computer and back out in the world. Help your parents around the house. Go rake some leaves, or shovel some snow. Get the energy moving again!

There are tons of things you can do to get motivated and rebuild your self-esteem — including exercise (take a hike — it’s free!) or taking a low-cost yoga class. You could also volunteer at a local non-profit (check to see if there is a chapter of 826 National in your city). Or, become a tutor at your local high school — you are a college graduate, after all!

Now that you’re out of the house, let’s deal with the problem at hand: finding a job. It’s important to reframe how you think about being “unemployed.” Try to find a new perspective. Most of all: try to find ways to use this time wisely — by building up skills + experiences that will make you more valuable + employable!

First of all, make sure that your resume, Linkedin profile and cover letters are all in order and ready to go — so that when you find your dream job, you can act quickly. Check out this cool resume-building tool — it’s sure to help you stand out from the crowd.

Second, think outside the box. Don’t limit yourself to thinking that you have to work in publishing, even if that was your original dream. Think big. Think crazy.

For starters…

: Check out these 35 careers you won’t believe actually exist.

: Or these 26 ways to make a living as a wordsmith.

: Or these 10 off-the-wall businesses.

Get the idea? The point is, DISD, there’s only one way to bounce back after a string of depressing rejections.

It takes courage, but it’s not complicated:

You simply decide to go back in.

And this time? You do it better.

Don’t let a small bump in the road — or even a thousand bumps in the road — derail you from your dream.

Get out of the house.

And go back in.

I promise, you will be out of your parents’ place in no time.

Yours,

Ellen

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Image: Willie Franklin

Dear Ellen,

I graduated from college about two years ago, and while some of my friends are still struggling to find a decent job, I have the opposite problem — I have too many options!

I could stay at my current job (they’d love me to stick around) … or apply for a higher-paying job at another company (I had a great conversation with a hiring manager there at a networking event. The job sounds amazing!).

I could also go for a totally different challenge — like spending a year working overseas. Or I could apply for a scholarship to go to graduate school, which is something I know I want to do, eventually!

The problem is, I can’t figure out which option is the best choice for me, right now, and I’m driving myself crazy trying to weigh all the pros and cons.

I’m starting to feel overwhelmed — but I can’t talk to my friends about this, because it feels like I’m rubbing all of my “amazing options” in their faces.

Any advice on how to just CHOOSE something, already?

Signed,

Too Many Options

 

 

Dear Too Many Options:

You’ve got the best kind of problem — too many amazing possibilities to choose from!

But you’re not feeling “amazing.” You’re feeling overwhelmed and indecisive.

I get it. I really do.

As an entrepreneur with lots of different passions + interests, I know how agonizing it can be to have to choose “just one thing” from an array of tempting options. It’s so easy to get trapped in an infinite cycle of cross-comparison, spinning your wheels, afraid to choose and commit.

But here’s what I know for sure…

There is no 100% accurate way to predict if a decision is the “perfect” one.

There just isn’t. And there probably never will be.

So rather than weighing (and re-weighing) all the pro’s and con’s of each option, the best thing you can do is change your whole attitude about what it means to “choose.”

In other words: to starting thinking about “choosing” as something that expands your world, instead of shrinking it down.

Try saying to yourself:

ANY decision I make will be a good one. ANY path I choose will hold its own rewards. ANY option I select will allow me to grow, explore, gain skills + serve others.

And TMO? It’s completely true.

If you embrace that kind of attitude, you’ll be able to commit to any decision fully — and savor the adventure without regrets.

 

Need a little more guidance?

Here are a few of my favorite role models — smart writers + entrepreneurs, each with their own perspectives on how to make a good career decision:

Marie Forleo — who has guided tens of thousands of women into new careers + businesses — suggests asking yourself a simple question: In 10 years, what will I regret NOT having pursued?

Dr. Meg Jay — author of The Defining Decade — talks about the importance of making intentional choices, especially in your twenties. Think you’d like to work in film someday? Then choose a job (even if it’s a menial gig at minimum wage) that will expose you to people in the film industry. You never know who might be impressed by your focus + passion … and give you an opportunity to rise up through the ranks.

Simon Sinek — author of Start With Why — urges you to understand what drives you — WHY you want to go to work — before worrying about WHAT you’re going to do or HOW you’re going to do it. When you “start with why,” you’ll always feel inspired by your work … and inspire others along the way.

Marie, Meg and Simon all have excellent tips + perspectives to help you choose your next move.

But at the end of the day, the only way to really figure out what the “best” choice is going to be…is to pick one thing and just do it.

Try things on.

See what fits.

Yours,

Ellen

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Image: Willie Franklin.

Dear Ellen:

I am a senior in college and I’m feeling excited (and a little bit nervous) about my next steps. I know that my parents are excited for me, too — but their constant questions are making me anxious.

Everywhere I turn, someone is asking me what I am going to do when I graduate. My parents, my aunts and uncles, my professors, my friends — everybody wants to know what my “plan” is. How I am going to “change the world.”

The truth is, I don’t want to change the world. I just want to make jewelry. My dream is to open a small studio and sell my jewelry on Etsy and in local stores and farmers’ markets.

I feel terrible that my parents spent all this money on college and all I want to do is make necklaces and earrings. I’ve shared a few hints about my jewelry shop dream with my parents, and I can tell they’re not impressed. I think they’re hoping I’ll “grow up” and start focusing on a “real job.”

The next time somebody asks, “What’s your plan after college?” … should I tell the truth? Or keep pretending like I’m aiming for some big, fancy, change-the-world career? I feel like I’m letting everybody down, and the whole thing is making me sick to my stomach. Please help.

Signed,

Lost and Confused

 

Dear Lost and Confused,

I totally understand that you must be getting pretty sick and tired of hearing questions like these:

“What’s your plan, after graduation?”
“Do you have an internship lined up?”
“Where are you applying for jobs?”

THE SUBTEXT, OF COURSE, IS:

“What are you DOING with your life? And how are YOU going to change the world?”

Such big questions! Over and over and over. It’s enough to make you want to run for the hills and hide in a cave.

But I’m about to say something that most people wouldn’t dare — and that your parents probably don’t want to hear.

READY? HERE IT COMES:

Not everybody was born to “change the world.” And it’s totally OK if you don’t want to. Not everybody was born to be a lawyer, an activist, a legendary educator, or a life-saving doctor. Not everybody was born to be the next Mother Teresa or Gandhi.

Some people were born to…

: Write about coffee for other coffee fanatics.

: Play charming music that delights people.

: Teach yoga + take photos of other yogis.

: Open a farm-to-table pizza restaurant.

: Make soft, cotton t-shirts with kind, loving words.

…or, like you, make beautiful jewelry that makes people smile.

The Zen Buddhist scholar Robert Thurman has said:  “Don’t ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive — and then go do that.”

You don’t need to solve world hunger or eradicate poverty in order to make money — and make a difference. If you simply do your work with intention and joy, you will be an inspiration to others every single day.

Now…I’m about to say one more thing that most people wouldn’t dare — and that your college career counselor would probably cringe, to read.

READY? HERE IT COMES:

Your greatest passion of all might have nothing to do with your career.

And it’s totally OK if that’s true, for you.

I’ve always been lucky to have fascinating careers + opportunities — working as an attorney fielding death penalty appeals, owning a bakery, running an award-winning garden and floral design company, and later, starting a non profit. I thrive on the challenge of making “something” out of “nothing,” and I’ve loved it all.

But when people ask me about my greatest passion, I always say — without hesitation — that it is motherhood. Being with my children and watching them grow gives me a sense of deep gladness that no career has ever provided, in quite the same way. It is the ONE thing that never fails to make me come alive.

Every year, tens of thousands of college seniors put on cap and gowns and pass through the portal into the next chapter of their lives. So many of them have NO CLUE what they want to do next. You — Lost and Confused — are one of the lucky ones. You actually have a vision. You see a path ahead — however dimly lit. You are NOT really “lost and confused.” You are blessed.

As you march out into the world to carve out your path + choose your work, don’t worry so much about what the world “needs” or how you can make a major dent in history.

INSTEAD, SIMPLY ASK:

What makes me come alive?

Then go do it.

(And…I think you already know exactly how to do it.)

I can’t wait to see your jewelry on the shelves of my favorite shop. I know it’s going to be stunning.

Yours,

Ellen

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Image: Willie Franklin.