Dear Ellen,

I recently applied for a job I really wanted. I got pretty far along in the interview process and it seemed like they liked me and wanted to hire me.

I was starting to get really excited. Then, after weeks of waiting, they emailed to tell me that I hadn’t been selected.

They were very professional and polite, of course, but I still feel so upset. I know I should just “get over it” and apply for something else, but I don’t feel like I can handle the disappointment all over again.

Any wise words of advice to help me get back in the saddle, so to speak?

Majorly Unmotivated

Dear Majorly Unmotivated,

We’ve all been there: slogging through a terrible, no-good day. (Or week. Or year.)

Maybe you awkwardly fumbled through an interview for your dream job.

Maybe you froze up in the middle of a presentation — scrambling for your notes, sweating bullets, silently cursing Power Point.

Or maybe you did everything “right” — you gave one hundred percent, your absolute best — but you still didn’t get chosen for the opportunity you wanted.

It’s rough. I know.

But guess what? If you feel like a “failure,” you’re in very good company.

Just think about JK Rowling, who received 12 rejections before one publisher said “Yes!” to Harry Potter.

Or Oprah, who got fired from one of her first TV news anchor positions for being “too emotionally involved in the stories.”

Or Thomas Edison, who made one thousand faulty light bulb prototypes before he finally got it right.

No doubt about it: I’ve had my share of failure and rejection, too.

In fact, there’s one particularly terrible, no-good day that will be forever burned into my mind — from back when I was the Director of a non-profit called MEarth, a terrible, no-good day that changed my life, for the better.

And here’s how it happened:

At MEarth, my team had a big dream — to create a community garden and educational center for children — but we had several obstacles in our path.

Our biggest hurdle? We needed the local School Board’s approval before we could move forward. And they were not easy to impress.

We worked hard to prepare our presentation — and we thought we had our ducks in a row.

But once we walked into that School Board meeting, it became obvious that there had been a major miscommunication between the Superintendent and the Board. They’d been given the wrong information about our project — and after a frustrating hour-long debate, we walked away empty-handed.

The next morning, my team and I sat around our conference table, sadly bemoaning what could have been.

As the project leader, I felt more wounded and humiliated than anyone. But I was unwilling to let our dream just fizzle away after one disappointment.

I told the group, “We’re going back in. We’re not taking no for an answer.”

Everyone knew our chances were slim. We were going to present the same idea to the same group of people — who had already firmly rejected it.

But we knew that our project was important — that it would help hundreds of children, every year. And we also knew that a story — told the right way — could change everything.

We went back in. We re-told our story to the Board, took responsibility for the past confusion, showed them our passion and won the day!

It was a major turning point for our scrappy little organization and a major life lesson for me.

I realized that there’s only one way to bounce back after a terrible, no-good day.

It takes courage, but it’s not complicated:

You simply decide to go back in.

Don’t let a small bump in the road — or even a thousand bumps in the road — derail you from your dream.

When you feel humiliated, depressed or just plain defeated, remember what you’re fighting for. Remember who you are.

Remember, too, that rejection is just part of the process of being alive, building a career, putting yourself out there, or doing anything worthwhile. It may sting temporarily but the pain will always subside as long as you keep moving forward. The only thing that will really hurt you, permanently, is giving up on your dream.

You can do this.

Saddle up.

Go back in.

Find great work. Do great work. Unlock every door in your way.

Image: Willie Franklin

Dear Ellen,

I have worked a a lot of different jobs and I must say, none of them have made me happy. Yet, when I try to find a new career path, I get overwhelmed. There is just too much to choose from.

I have lots of interests and I’d like to do work that makes a difference in people’s lives. Yet, every time I make a choice, I second guess myself and wonder if I might be happier at a different company, or doing a totally different career?

How do I narrow down my choices and figure out what the right career path is for me?

Signed,

Too Many Choices

Dear TMC,

For women in my mother’s generation, career options were fairly limited.

You could become a secretary, a nurse, a school teacher, or marry a man from your hometown, end your career and start a family. If you weren’t excited about any of those options, you were a bit out of luck. Only the exceptionally brave got to break the mold, and even for them, the road was long and tough.

We’ve come a long way since then—thank goodness. As women, we have more career choices than ever before.

Just hop online, and whoosh! Millions of available jobs are open to you. Male, female, doesn’t matter. You’ve got options and you can go ahead, fill out a form, and apply. Things certainly aren’t “perfect,” but very few doors are firmly “locked” anymore.

Everything is a possibility.

So if we’ve got more career options than ever before (CEO, life coach, ballerina, financial planner, physician, astronaut, author, all of the above!) why do multiple studies show that women are less happy now than they were 40 years ago? Things should be getting better, right? What’s going on here?

The answer to that question is complex, and probably can’t be summed up in a single blog post, but part of our collective dissatisfaction may have to do with something called “the Paradox of Choice.”

Never heard that term before? Here’s a quick intro:

In a now-legendary study on “choice”, conducted by psychologists Sheena Iyengar and Mark Lepper in 2000, the researchers set up a jam tasting station at an upscale food market and offered free samples to passing customers.

When they offered customers 24 varieties of jam, customers initially seemed eager to stop by for samples (“Sure, I’ll try some! Yum!”) but when it came down to choosing their favorite jam, purchasing it, and taking it home, these customers really struggled. They felt paralyzed by all the choices on the table and just couldn’t decide. Most walked away empty-handed.

In contrast, customers who got offered just 6 types of jam were 10 times more likely to choose a jam, buy it, and take it home than the people who were faced with 24 possibilities.

This phenomenon became known as “The Paradox of Choice.”

As this study shows, more choices seems like it should be “better,” but maybe “excessive choice” is not as great as we think. Maybe having more choices just paralyzes us, causing us to hover over the jam table of life, worrying that we’re making the wrong jam investment or that, maybe, there’s an even better jam out there, at a different store, which we might be missing out on!

Just replace the word “jam” with “job,” and you can see how this same paradox can create major tension, unrest, and dissatisfaction within your career.

But, Too Many Choices, this does not mean you are doomed to a life of perpetual torment and dissatisfaction. You don’t have to live like that.

Why?

Because even though having tons of choices can be paralyzing, there is one simple choice that can dissolve a lot of that choice-induced stress.

You can simply choose… to be happy.

Now. Later. In any moment, job, or circumstance. No matter what.

You can…

• Choose to see the bright side of things.

• Choose to feel grateful instead of resentful.

• Choose to enjoy your daily routine even if it’s not perfect.

• Choose to find your boss’ antics humorous instead of annoying.

• Choose to focus on the task at hand—the job or career you’ve currently got—rather than constantly drifting off into la-la land wondering, “I wonder if I’d be happier at a different company doing XYZ…”

I’m not saying, “Stop dreaming” or “Stop searching for ways to upgrade your life.” Not at all. But even if you’re in the middle of an epic quest to find the perfect jam (er, I mean, job) you can choose, in each new moment, to feel excitement… to feel awe… to feel gratitude… even joy.

You can take a deep breath and say to yourself:

“It’s tough to choose because I’ve got so many amazing options. But no matter which one I choose, I can’t choose ‘wrong’. No matter which one I choose, I will be happy. Because happiness is a choice that I make, not a ‘gift’ that a company or a job title gives me. It’s my choice and I can keep choosing it, anytime, anywhere.”

So TMC, choose happiness. The right job will certainly follow.

Image: Willie Franklin